Well, I'm officially 'in my 30s' and I don't know how I feel about it. I've written so many thought provoking birthday and milestone posts over my past 11 years blogging, and right now I don't even have the words.
Turning 30 didn't scare me as much as 28 or 29 so I don't think I expected 31 to feel this way. It's strange, it doesn't feel real. It feels like time is going by too fast and I can't quite catch it in my hands. It feels like it's constantly slipping through my fingers and it feels morbid. It feels like I don't have enough time to live, it feels like there is a countdown clock hanging above my head, ticking until it gets down to the wire.
Realistically and logically, I know that's not true but there's something inside me that doesn't feel quite right.
In my head, I'm 17 years old. I'm no older than 20, that's for sure, and I don't physically feel like I'm getting older. Sure, I could use some botox, but I don't think I'm aging. I feel the same way I felt physically at 23.
It doesn't feel real that 10 years have passed since I turned 21 and could legally drink. Now my friends are married and they're having babies, and I'm still in this weird in-between place. I don't feel ready to get married nad have a family, which doesn't really matter because I'm single and haven't swiped on a dating app in months.
I'd be lying if I said that I don't worry about that; now that I'm in my 30s, the thought of children is whispering in the air. That oh so lovely societal yet real biological clock is ticking and I feel like I have to make a decision at some point how I want to medically move forward, to ensure my future.
This year was weird because I went into 30 feeling like I was going to meet someone, like this was going to be the year that I made the dating effort, but I just couldn't. I had a lot of health things going on, just adjusting to new medication and getting my footing, so that didn't help motivate me.
Then, work got incredibly busy and I started going into the office every week, on a consistent basis, so that work life balance adjustment came into play. Then I spent the spring & summer getting ready to move into my new apartment and that felt like it took a lot of time and effort.
And yet, here we are, back on November 30th, still in a similar place as I was last year. As I'm writing this, I do think I'm being a little hard on myself. I accomplished a lot in my 30th year and I should be proud. My mom and my therapist constantly tell me I'm too hard on myself and I need to give myself some grace.
I guess this year I learned that about myself; I learned that I'm way too in my head, that I need to talk out loud, or write my thoughts out to work through them. I can't just have conversations with myself in my head to get by. The words and thoughts need to flow.
I learned how to be healthier, both mentally & physically. I don't remember if I talked about this on the blog but I was diagnosed with PMDD, pre-menstural dysphoric disorder, which is a heightened form of PMS. I was suffering majorly this year with mood swings, paranoia, and just an overall decline in my mental health around that time of the month. I figured things out with my doctor and I'm as good as new.
I learned how to care for myself in that way, and my mental health has improved drastically. I'm not really anxious much anymore, and while my depression ebbs & flows, I've been a lot better.
I learned that I need to reach out to my friends more; I have a tendency to self isolate when I'm overwhelmed, stressed and depressed so talking to my friends about those feelings really helps. Even if it's just a quick text message about Taylor Swift, it helps.
This year I took a break from freelance writing to focus on my blog, and social media a bit more. I also got a little more serious about my novel writing and did a pretty dam good job at keeping up with NaNoWriMo this month. I wrote over 11,000 words, and only missed a handful of days. Flexing that muscle helped a lot, and I think 2024 will be a big book year for me, or so I hope.
I can't write about being 30 without acknowledging that in some way, I already am an author because I self- published my first book, "How to Survive Your Quarter Life Crisis". I don't think anyone read it and I didn't do a good job at marketing it, but I'm proud of it nonetheless.
30 was good in a lot of ways; I had lots of fun with my family and friends, I learned a few new things about myself and was able to improve, I got my own apartment, I feel settled and excited about my job & where my career is going, and overall it was a good year.
I hope that 31 is better. I hope that I continue to learn, grow and expand. I hope that I get out of my own head, do things that scare me and put me outside of my comfort zone, and learn to just be comfortable in my own skin. I have one life to live and I'm the only one who has the ability to change it, if I want. I'm in control, no one else, and that was an important & difficult lesson to learn this year.
Thank you for continuing to indulge me with your reading, and for always messaging me and telling me how much you enjoy following me. Every reader means more to me than you'll ever know.
Here's to 31 years!
xoxo
B
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