A Brain Dump of Everything That's in My Head

Do you ever feel like you're so inside your head you can't think straight? The voices in your head are so overpowering that you forget how to speak? That's how I've been feeling for months and I can't seem to break the cycle.

Every morning I wake up with a knot in my stomach, like I'm forgetting something or there's a missing piece somewhere in my path. I can't seem to put my finger on why I'm feeling that way or how to fix it, so I walk through the day with this cloud hanging over my head, looking over my shoulder and wondering if I'll ever figure out what's bothering me.

In my head, I have a very specific idea of who I want to be in my life. I want to be someone who is happy, successful, chic, glamorous, fun and exciting. I want to be the kind of girl who wakes up at 5 AM, works out, meditates, journals, goes on a walk and lets the sun shine on her back. I want to focus, to be productive to achieve my dreams and be a hard worker. I want to make myself a nice dinner, have a mocktail or a glass of wine in my fancy apartment, watch television, read and fall peacefully asleep in a cozy, warm room. I want my life to look like the night luxe trend on TikTok, or some other aesthetically pleasing visual that comes across your social media feed.

I've always been that way; I've always tried to self identify with something, have always tried to feel part of something bigger than me to be able to fit comfortably inside a box. I've always liked different things than my friends which is why I kind of fell into obsessive personality holes, like the Jonas Brothers or Stoney Clover. It's why I joined a sorority, because finally there were people around me who were just as intense as I was about something that they loved. It's why I've had a blog for almost 11 years, because it's something that identifies me, something that is part of me.

I think that's why I want to be 'that girl', why I want my life to look different because in my head, I've always been different. 

I never thought that social media skewed my version of reality but maybe it does. Maybe I see everyone doing fun things, hitting their milestones and achievements and so desperately wish I could be them, so desperately wish I could have that discipline and accountability to reach my goals and be who I so desire.

In my head, I am someone who is meant for more, who wants to be more but lately, I kind of feeling like I want to give up that dream. 

In my head I am one person but in reality I am someone very different.

I'm someone who likes to be alone, who enjoys my own company. I'm someone who would rather curl up in bed with a book than be out to dinner. I'm someone who would rather read about romance than go out and find my own. I'm someone who gets really tired on Friday nights and goes to sleep at 9 PM rather than rallying and making sure I get out of the house. I'm someone who would rather buy a handbag than go on a trip, who gets so wrapped up in her online world that she forgets to step outside and live.

I've felt that I'm merely existing lately and not really living, and it's starting to do some severe harm. The problem is, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to get off the ride, to steady myself and to press the reset button. 

I feel like I'm going in circles, like I'm continuing to do the same things and complain about how nothings changed. I can't change if I don't know what's wrong, and I simply don't know what the issue is.

Is it that I'm not productive? That I'm lazy? That I'm not doing enough? Or maybe I'm doing way too much. Maybe I need to cut myself some slack.

I'm 30 years old, have a successful career, good friends and family, plans to move into my own apartment in a few weeks, and have hobbies that I really love. 

What more do I want? What more do I need?

I want to be out of debt, I want to not shop myself into maxed out credit cards. I want to stop being impulsive. I want to be disciplined enough to write an entire book. I want to not be anxious and scared to go out on a date. I want to want to be social, I want to not have to recharge alone for 4 days after doing one out of routine thing. I want to not miss my dad, and my aunt and my grandpa. I want to not be scared to talk about the things that scare me. I want to not be jealous, I want to not be bratty, I want to not be judgemental. 

I want to be who I was 10 years ago, without all these hardened edges and all this heartbreak.

I want so many things that seem so out of reach, so out of touch. 

I want to live my life in a carefree way, in a hard working way, in a way that makes people envious. It's so hard, to know what you want, to know who you desire to be and not know how to get there. 

It's so hard to walk through life not knowing if who you are is enough or if you'll ever be truly happy.

It's so hard to be full of mood swings that you can be having a panic attack one minute and laughing the next. It's so hard to feel like giving up, to not know how to get from point A to point B.

I just wish someone would give me the answers, let me cheat off their test...just once so I could know that I'm going to pass.

I just want to be outside of my head and in the real world...to at least know that I'm not alone in my thoughts.