Yes, you heard that right -- I was 25 years old and had never been out on a date.
Let's backtrack, shall we?
I was always the girl who never had a boyfriend. I liked boys, they didn't like me; I kind of just assumed that's how my life would go for a very long time. In high school, all my friends had boyfriends and most of them are still together today... which means that I've been surrounded by long-lasting, healthy relationships in a social aspect (not a familial aspect) since I was around 15 years old.
I used to cry myself to sleep wondering when it was going to be my turn to have a boyfriend... to post a cute anniversary picture on Facebook with (we had Facebook when I was 15, not Instagram) or change a relationship status with. I wanted someone, something to make me feel like I belonged.
It didn't get better when I got to college. I was surrounded by all these young men but had no idea how to talk to them. I joined a sorority and honestly, for two years, I was more consumed with my girlfriends than I was with boys and that was ok with me. I loved my sorority, more than I ever thought I could love something in my life and that was my college love, that was enough.
Until it wasn't... and until someone else came along.
My senior year of college I got involved with a guy and we had a very up and down sort of relationship -- an almost relationship if you will. It lasted for around two years after we graduated and then we both firmly realized (well I finally got the hint that it wasn't going to work).
Even though we were together, we weren't really together so we never went out on dates, which brings me back to my first point of being 25-years-old and never going out on a date.
That started my bout with dating apps. God, I hated them more than anything. I talked to my fair share of guys, a lot who were very sweet and adorable, but it never went anywhere. I was getting frustrated and annoyed with how everything was going and didn't think anything would ever happen... until it did.
My aunt asked me if I wanted to go out on a blind date with her friend's son. I agreed and she gave him my phone number. He texted me, we set up a day and time to meet and I went out on my first date... and a blind date at that.
We met at a seafood restaurant on Long Island and I couldn't focus on anything but my nerves. I drank a little too much, talked a little too loud, and felt so uncomfortable. It had nothing to do with him, he was a perfect gentleman and we had great conversation. There were no awkward silences and everything went smoothly; at the time, I thought I liked him and he seemed like a good guy. However, I still felt so nervous and all I wanted to do was get out of there.
I was so nervous because I was with someone I didn't know, in a town I wasn't familiar with and didn't know how to function on a date. That's why I told the guy that I had to get home because my sister was sick. I just needed to decompress and be alone... which also is related to my social anxiety.
I was so scared when we had an awkward goodbye and didn't think I'd see him again because truthfully, I figured he didn't like me. I wasn't used to guys wanting to be with me...ever since I was a little girl it was always me chasing boys, never the other way around. It might have to do with the types of guys I was chasing, or because I was, in fact, chasing them.
I left my first date shaking and needing to pee. I got home, called my mom and texted my friends to give them the rundown. I didn't really feel any which way about it but was confident I probably wouldn't go out with him again... but at this point, it was just my nerves and my discomfort of this new situation.
Either way, I was surprised that he later texted me saying he had a good time and would like to see me again. Playing hard to get, I told him I couldn't see him next weekend but maybe the week after. He agreed and we made tentative plans for him to come to my neighborhood this time. I spent the next two weeks thinking of canceling the date because I was afraid to put myself out there again.
Well, the second date went a hell of a lot better than the first because now that guy that I was so nervous to meet is my boyfriend of almost a year.
Dating is all about putting yourself out there and as an anxious introvert, that is probably the scariest thing you could tell me. I was also very aware of the fact that I was 25 years old and never had been out on a real date or had a real boyfriend. I was self conscious about the fact that I might not be totally over my ex something and I was just really hard on myself for all those reasons.
When it comes to dating for the first time, there's a lot of things I wasn't sure how to do and that's why I wanted to start this series... to document those scary firsts and to let anyone out there reading know that there is no normal. Being in a relationship is different for everyone, and is different every time you're with someone new. How I was with my almost boyfriend is the complete opposite of how I am with my boyfriend now. It's very interesting...
I'll be writing these every month so if there's something you want me to tackle, let me know!
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